| okay, i realize that there are several people who read this regularly and who have sent me messages asking for some counsel on getting the surgery, and i know that me not keeping up with this isn't very helpful for you support-wise. i'm just so lazy. my life has been so stagnant the past few months. i'm trying to get out of this funk i'm in, but i've just been so depleted.
i've lost 108 pounds, and it's been just over 11 months now. my mother thinks i am too thin. i hear it in her voice. it's so weird. the same friend of the family that told my mom about her friend having had it done so she could tell me, inspiring me to research and undergo my own operation. the same friend of the family that, after seeing me in february after not having since i came home from college one obese weekend, decided to get the surgery herself, told my mother i should stop losing weight, causing her to ask me if i'm eating right.
i weigh 155 pounds right now. i lose about two to three pounds every four to six weeks. i can fit into Small skirts, size 10 pants, Medium shirts, sometimes Small. it's crazy, i agree, but i feel i have a chance at feeling beautiful some time soon. people turn their heads every time they drive by my car. men wave. people are waving at me, excitedly, eagerly, when they see me.
what the fuck. that is so fucking bizarre...people really act like this? i can't believe i missed out on all this just cuz i was fat. my god. people say to fat people, "you act like there aren't people who only like big girls. so-and-so loves thick women. these-people are all about having more to love." well here i am, on the other side of that fucking ridiculous farce and i am sad to say that that's a load of shit. "those-people" that fucking crave beef cuz it's what's for dinner every night on their table, are effing few and far between. let me tell you. i have never ever in my life seen the behavior in the male--and one or two times, the female--sex on the road, at the mall, the supermarket, the gas station. they're like dogs. their eyes lock on you and they pant and get the crazy eye. i think it's so fucking weird because...i've never had people look at me like that, but i know that's how i used to get when i was hormonal and all crazy about "hotties." maybe that never goes away in straight people or healthy people? i don't know. i just don't get all ready to mate whenever i see an attractive person. anyway, this is insane to me, and i am in therapy because of it and so many other things. i will tell you all one thing: if you're thinking about the surgery or have just had it done, know that psychological counseling is an unavoidable must for you, and accept that as the truth. i am seriously unhinged because of all this mess.
and one other problem...but it's not really public as of yet, and pretty unrelated (kinda) to the surgery. just life stuff. anyway...write me again and i'll try to get back to you. i'm on vacation right now so i have no excuse to not answer questions. |
